F.E.A.R.
False Evidence Appearing Real
Or so I hope it's false. Sometimes you just get a feeling in your gut that you can't shake. That you know someone is not telling you the whole truth of the matter. Omissions of the truth IS the same as not telling the truth as much as some people want to say it's not.
I haven't really blogged in a while because of fear of retaliation by a certain people. Some of these people have done quite a lot to destroy aspects of my life with their own hidden agenda. I fear it may come again soon.
While some won't take responsibility for their own actions, I have paid dearly for mine and theirs too. Yet, they just can't turn around and say that they know they have hurt me and they are sorry. Not just with their words but helping me monetarily because they do owe the money to me.
Currently, there have been two e-mails from someone from what I thought was long ago passed. This man, this lousy excuse for human being that beat the crap out of me and his second wife is again trying to push his way back in my life. People have told me that I gave him too much power. While that may be true, no one else saw first hand what this man is capable of doing. For example:
I was 8 months pregnant with his child. I was in the kitchen cutting carrots with a butcher knife. I don't remember what the exchange of words were but I know he pushed and pinned me to the wall. His eyes were just crazy looking. I was scared out of my mind and motherly instinct took over. I took the chef's knife that was in my hand, raised it, and told him, "Get the hell away from me!!" He let go of my throat and grabbed the knife. He held it in his right hand and the blade in the other. He smiled at me with those same crazy eyes. I thought for sure that I was going to die at that moment. He took his hands and bent a stainless steal knife. With his 90 mph pitching arm, he threw it right at my head. Since, I had already started to slide down the wall in fear and shock, I was able to duck to get away from it. He walked away to the bedroom.
I sat on the floor for God knows how long in shock, fear, disbelief, disgust and gratefulness that I did not die. I was finally was able to roll to get to my knees. I used the handle of the pantry door to pull myself the rest of the way up. My head started spinning. My legs begin to buckle but, I held on to the kitchen sink and cabinets until I was steady. I weighed my options. I couldn't use the phone because he had already destroyed the one in the living room. If I went to the door to leave, he'd hear it and possibly throw me over the balcony. Even if I did make it to the bottom of the stairs safely, I still had no way to go anywhere or call the police because I had no money or vehicle. I was a prisoner in my own apartment held captive by the man for whom I had a high school crush on. The man that all the girls wanted to be with because not only was he cute, he was a gifted athlete.
I looked around the kitchen. I saw that I couldn't even finish dinner. I picked up the knife, walked to the bedroom and saw him laying on the bed drinking a beer. In a very small voice I asked, "Honey, can you bend this back so I can finish dinner?" He got up, rounded the bed and again I thought I was dead. He was screaming, "You want it fixed? You want it fixed?" He took the knife and broke it in half saying, "There it's fixed!" He shoved the two pieces in my hand. All I could do was stand there in shock. I don't remember what happened after that really. I just remember at some point that night, I was back in the kitchen thinking, "He's right, he could have easily snapped my neck like the knife. He was only kind enough to spare my life because I carried his bloodline."
That was just one single, solitary incident that stands out from so many others. So many other times that he used to strip me of any independent thought. Any way that I was before we were married was beaten out of me. I was just a shell of the beautiful, talented and intelligent trophy wife that I once was. God, just writing all of that out has me shaking again.
The first e-mail was a threat. I couldn't send the e-mails that I wanted to send him telling him just how much of a jerk he is and that his threats don't scare me because just seeing his name on the e-mail brought all of the fear back up. I talked with my brother and others that know the situation and they said get a physical address on him so that if he comes after you again, you at least have an address on him.
I kept mulling it over and over and over of what to write. I talked to my son about it and he said, "In some ways I would like to get to know him. In others, I know that Travis is my dad." Out of all the long e-mails that I could have sent back, I only sent back, "Hey what's your physical address? We have been looking all over for you."
I felt, "Well at least it's partially the truth." I did look up property tax information to see what happened to the property that his parents once owned. It seems that his new wife bought the property. Since the house that once stood on it burned down, (He might have had something to do with that since he couldn't be found that night according to his second ex-wife) there have been two mobile homes put on the property. One in his wife's name and one in his mother's name. Figures! I always knew they were trash. Now, they are bona fide trailer trash! lol
Once I knew for certain that he had looked at that profile on that site, I tried erasing any evidence of where I might be living right now. He may have seen it and knew the first couple of times he looked at it but, I didn't want him to know for sure.
You see, I have been on the run from him for 15 years because of the abuse during the marriage and after it. He's had me followed. He's sat outside my son's daycare at the time, honked, raised his 9 mm up, grinned and drove off when I ran inside. He showed up at my job. He's paid people to watch my mother's house. He's been in that neighborhood several times asking the neighbors about us.
I had gone to the police for help. They told me that I didn't have enough documentation and really couldn't do anything to protect me even when he kidnapped my son. At that time, there were no stalking laws or protective orders that were easily obtainable as they are now. I moved to San Antonio to put some distance between me and him.
My ex- father-in-law would drive the distance from Houston to San Antonio every other weekend to pick up my son. Thomas hated going. One time, it took two men to put my then 4 year old son in the car for court ordered visitation. Thomas had to have therapy over all of that. He has since been able to recall some of the things that happened during those visits. It makes me cry even now. It makes me truly realize why Thomas hated going on long trips for the longest time.
It was Thomas' screaming and crying that brought my neighbor out of his apartment to see what was going on. He thought Thomas was hurt like the time I had taken Thomas across the breezeway when he had fallen off the monkey bars and broke his arm. He stood and watched the whole incident go down. He asked if I was ok when I walked back toward my apartment with tears. He sat and held me while I cried. We became friends. He had a pregnant girl friend at the time so, I never really thought anything more of him then just a friend.
Through a series of strange events over the next couple of months, that neighbor became my second husband. There was no courtship. Really, no "in" love state. I mean he asked me to marry him while he was working on his truck. How romantic is that? His fear was that he was going to loose a friend because I was out of work and was moving back to Houston. We were just two friends who formed a partnership to fight off the two manipulative former significant loves in our life. We had great fun laughing at people who saw us together and scratched their heads going, "Huh?"
Travis was given orders to relocate to Florida. I really didn't want to go but by the time the orders came, I was pregnant with Emily. I didn't bother to tell Mark what my exact address was. I sent my new address to the court when we moved. I figured if he couldn't bother to hold down a job for more then 3 months at a time to avoid paying child support, I could avoid telling him my exact location while I was pregnant and couldn't really defend myself and Thomas too
He's driven all the way to Florida to find me. He was even bold enough to tell the security police, "Yeah if I did see her, I'd probably kill her. If she comes off base, she's mine." He show up at my father's funeral and confronted my son outside in the parking lot two years ago.
So, the second e-mail came last week. It was actually nicer and again included his phone number but no address. I haven't written him back just made a bunch of letters in MSWord about how he has no rights anymore except to pay child support and the court ordered right for him to pay back the $16,000 he still owed me. And oh yeah thanks for showing up and fucking destroying the safety that I thought I had. Since the time you showed up at the funeral, your biological son is now following in your footsteps down the path of self destruction. Thank you ever so much for taking one of the saddest days of my life and bringing all that fear back up for me again. MY son is with his REAL dad right now. You were just a sperm donor for a wonderful young man. Save all that money that you said you had to take me back to court and put it toward his college education.
Lord knows there is nothing worse for an attorney to be set up to be at a hearing instead of a final decision like you have done to your attorneys in the past. The court no longer has jurisdiction over him because he was adopted ant the case was SEALED! What do you not get about this? While you may be upset that the Attorney General put a lien on you, you should have been doing the right thing from the beginning!
I still haven't sent that e-mail. I don't know what to say. I have thought about it and thought about it and just decided to blog about it. On one hand I want to say all of those things to him and on the other hand I just want him to leave us the hell alone.
Travis accepted the role of being Thomas' father even going as far as adopting him. With the exception of him being an ass when we split up and not paying child support to punish me in a way, he finally did the right thing after the divorce. All together though, he kept up with being their father and called them even when he was in Iraq. I really can't complain about him as a dad. Truly, I can't.
Which is one of the reasons we stayed married for 8 years. People keep saying, "Why don't you get back together with him?" Well, that's another long story in and of itself. I care about Travis because he was my friend before we got married, during our marriage and after it. He's been there for me for a lot of things that have happened in my life but friendship is not all that makes a marriage. It just made the marriage more tolerable and that's all that I'm going to say about that.
Back to the topic of fear, I am scared to confront my first ex again. I don't want to deal with him again. I just have to laugh over and over about what my dad said to me that really brought me back to Texas, "CL after all the things you have done to keep that man away from you, if he bothers you again, just shoot him!" lol
If you knew how mellow my dad was, you would see how funny that was coming out of his mouth. I mean my dad was a paratrooper in Korea. He knew how to kill people but, he was one of the biggest hearted, loving man to so many people. You would never know that at any given moment he could kill ya. I think the only person he was ever really scared of was my mother. Yeah, she prided herself on being called, "Super Bitch". She would say, "Thank you very much, I worked hard for that title! I used to be a very kind and caring person, but not anymore." She had all kinds of sayings like that.
God, how I miss those people. They were a pillar strength to me both together and individually. My brother and I are such a good mix of them both. We were a product of a great love between them that even though they were divorced, they still loved each other for 49 years. Dad, even though he had a girlfriend, really went down hill when she died. I have dreamed for many years of finding the man that could I could share that great love with.
I thought I had it with Gary but when he walked out on me just two months after my dad died saying we weren't getting a divorce and two weeks later his girlfriend told me via e-mail that he told her we were, it crushed me. The fear that I had of actually getting a divorce from the man I truly loved was confirmed not by him but from her. Dammit! The lying bitch kept him away from the truth. I literally ended up in the hospital because my body just couldn't handle the gut wrenching pain and loss. I had to call Tracy to come and get me before the gave me the pain shots because they knocked me out.
I've talked a lot about all that happened with that in my past blogs. If you want to read all of that, go for it. Some are now closed to the public but, if you want to read them, I'll put you on my preferred list to see them. I have brought this back into this blog to bring about a lead in to the next part.
As some of you know, Gary called the IRS because he was pissed that I had taken his son as a tax deduction for 2005. This triggered an audit of our 2004 taxes as well. When I received the first letter from the IRS, it was two weeks after I had received the divorce papers. I was taking online courses which are faster then normal classes so deadlines are crucial. Then I received a letter from the IRS saying he filed Innocent Spouse. That was it. Not only had he left, not talked to me on the phone and said he wanted to keep it to e-mails because I confused him, sent all of my e-mails to the home wrecker, allowed her to make fake police reports, lied to me and my kids, and accused me of evading the papers being served but he did that too? I just broke again. This time, I didn't go to the ER. I was sent to another psych doc by my school counselors.
Folks, I was out there way out of my element. I blogged a lot to try and pull myself back together and HER making up all those fake screen names to take pop shots at me during all of this didn't help. If you were on my friend's list on New Years day, you got just a small taste of the shit she had been doing to me all along. She would publicly say one thing and come right around and send me some nasty shit in my e-mail. You have no idea and apparently neither does Gary because they are now engaged.
So what was my fear in all of that? Exactly what happened. She convinced him that everything was my fault and he didn't pay the IRS the money that HE OWED. Since, we filed jointly in 2004, they took MY 2006 tax return of $3,008.00...Am I pissed? OH YEAH I'M PISSED! That was the money that I had planned to live off of this summer while I wasn't working. The money I was going to use to pay down some of my loans.
So, I called the IRS and I asked them what the hell is going on. They said that Gary had filed an automatic payroll deduction to pay so he got his tax return back. "Ahhh! So, that explains where he got the money to buy her an engagement ring," I thought. As we kept talking on the phone, I explained to her that we didn't receive the 1099s in the mail on this amount in question or at least Gary said he didn't. I asked for the addresses of where these 1099s were sent. She told me. I thought, "Well no damn wonder!" AND that I had a very good case for Innocent Spouse myself for both years in question. I had every right to claim both of his children in 2005 if I had the supporting documentation.
You may ask, "What's the fear here?" It's one thing to think you were married to scum sucking leech and think he swindled you out of a lot of money by lying to you, it's another to find the evidence, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you were. While everyone has been telling me that it's not all just her fault, I have defended him because I didn't want to think that he was all that bad. I wanted to believe that the man I was in love with was conned by Christine like he was with Catherine. Sometimes, you just don't want to know. That was the case for me. After all the hurt, pain and humiliation that I endured, I just didn't want to know how much he had gotten out of me on top of it.
Why do I have to prove my innocence? Why can't he just tell the fucking truth? What is so freaking hard about him saying, "Yeah, I lied to all these people." or "Here's the money that I owe you for your time, love, and support that you gave me through a tough time in my life." Why can't he find the courage to tell Christine, "While I really appreciate you trying to defend me based on your very limited knowledge, CL really did ___________" And really tell her how having me in his life was a turning point for the better.
This blog was written on 8/8/2007
I didn't post it because I was dealing with some issues with another man at that time. I had someone run the plates on his BMW and as I suspected, he wasn't telling me the WHOLE truth. I confronted him with the truth and he just about vanished into thin air. I feared that he would and he did. He didn't have to because I was cool with everything but, in the same token, I just needed to know for myself since he wanted to be around my children. He really did have all the degrees he said he did however, the name he gave was false
