we were never really here in this last act of suffocation. we were never listening to each other. we were never loving one another. we were never taking each breath for the well being of the other. we were never crying for our loss in our significance... it was only for the two that were left behind. so young. so sweet. so deceived.
we never really tried to make it all work like we said we would. we were alone. we were cold. we were dead. shadows of a self that we'd liked to have been. but sometimes you just can't win.
we were never truly devoted. i chased a ghost, you chased the antagonist of the current chapter in your story. but in the end, we both were nothing more than antagonists to each other, and now it is not we who suffer, but rather, the reflections of ourselves. the mirror's that smile and love their mommy and daddy, despite their lack of understanding in the whole ordeal.
"daddy take me? daddy take me to georgia?"
how do you explain these things to a three year old that's wiser than he should be? how do you tell him that his daddy won't be there every day? how do you tell him the truth without sounding like the bad guy? am i the bad guy? did i sabotage this? did i make this happen? did i take away my baby's father? did i ruin his future? did i damage him for the rest of his life?
god i wish i had all of the answers... i wish i could make this all better for him. i wish he didn't have to see me cry when he asked me those things. i wish that things would turn out good for him and his brother.
i don't have all of the answers... but we were never truly here. and we can't be here again. i only hope that i can get past feeling like i'm the one who ruined my boys' lives.
