Fxckin Pop Rocks's blog: "Redneck"

You Might Be A Redneck If . . . . . . you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45’s. . . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay. . . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed. . . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose. . . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. . . . that billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans. . . . your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan. . . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date. . . . you think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy. . . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. . . . you’ve got more than three cousins named “Bubba”. . . . you have an Elvis Jell-O mold. . . . taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. . . . you’ve got more than one other named “Darryl”. . . . you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin’ contest. . . . on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat. . . . you’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch. . . . your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill. . . . your child’s first words were, “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”. . . . your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper. . . . your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin’. . . . you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.” . . . you kissed your own wife at midnight at the New Year’s Eve party. . . . you’ve ever taken reading material into an airplane restroom. . . . you’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company. . . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them. . . . you’ve ever valet parked a snow plow. . . . you’ve ever stood in line to have your picture made with a freak of nature. . . . you break wind in public and blame it on your kid. . . . you’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck. . . . you’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies. . . . there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block. . . . you have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table. . . . the strongest smell in your house is butane. . . . you think paprika is a Third World country. . . . you ask the preacher, “How’s it hanging?” . . . you go to a stock car race and don’t need a program. . . . you have a bumper sticker that says, “My mother’s an honor student” at the local junior high. . . . you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre. . . . you played the banjo in your high school band. . . . the velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway. . . . you have no hubcaps on your car because you’re using them to feed your hunting dogs. . . . you can’t visit relatives without getting mud on your tires. . . . your mother doesn’t put shoes on to go grocery shopping. . . . you’ve ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley. . . . you honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures. . . . anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container. . . . you don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much. . . . you’ve ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House. . . . your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner. . . . you owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income. . . . you’ve ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper. . . . you have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window. . . . you’ve ever hollered, “Rock the house, Bubba!” during a piano recital. . . . your kids’ favorite bedtime story is “Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.” . . . your watchband is wider than any book you’ve ever read. . . . you know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series. . . . you’ve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions. . . . your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise. . . . you’ve ever barbecued Spam on the grill. . . . you time your belches to achieve a personal best. . . . your new job promotion means that the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts. . . . the fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne. . . . your favorite restaurant has the word “eats” anywhere in the name. . . . there’s graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own house. . . . you have grease under your toenails. . . . your idea of a romantic evening is sharing the same spit cup with your girlfriend at a tractor pull. . . . the most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is “What the hell are you lookin’ at Diphead?” . . . your best coon hound gets a birthday present and your wife doesn’t. . . . your mother has more chest hair than your father. . . . you think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug. . . . you think a manicure is some kind of French doctor. . . . your mama saves aluminum foil. . . . you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. . . . you clean your house with a water hose. . . . during the wedding ceremony the minister said, “Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?” . . . the game warden knows the serial numbers to your guns by heart. . . . you pawned your grandfather’s pocket watch because you needed beer money for the weekend. . . . you took your coon dogs on your honeymoon. . . . you drive across town to see a car wreck. . . . it’s impossible to see food stains on the fabric of your work uniform. . . . you think that anyone with ten fingers and toes is abnormal. . . . you need one more hole punched in your card before you get a “freebie” at the House of Tattoos. . . . you have a personal account of a UFO sighting. . . . you think a hard drive is driving more than one hour. . . . you’ve ever taken a generator and a 27-inch TV camping. . . . you help booby trap your family’s marijuana crop. . . . you have ever made a frog-gigging spear. . . . the last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys. . . . your mother’s only shoes are house slippers. . . . your sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside. . . . you wear knee-high stockings with a skirt. . . . you follow the tractor pull circuit. . . . you have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house. . . . your primary income involves pigs or manure. . . . your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet. . . . your favorite T-shirt is declared offensive in at least 13 states. . . . you were expelled from summer school. . . . you’ve ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup.