October 28, 2006, 01:03:pm
Well the last couple entries have been a bit of a downer huh. These things happen. I just have to find a way to make sure I don't stay down. I can't let the frustration get to me. Thats what most of the down feeling is. Total, complete, utter FRUSTRATION!
No one made me get fat but me. But who's trying to help me get unfat? Sometimes it feels like no-one. Other times it feels like everyone. Oddly enough, it never feels like an in-between situation. Don't it figure? Such is me lol.
I do have quite a few people on my side. That encourage me and make me feel better. Sue and her family. My Aunt. The doctors. My online friends (you all know who you are).
No matter how low I get, they keep right on trucking along with me. Kicking me in the ass when I need it. Letting me cry on their shoulders when that is needed. Making me think and feel when all I want to do is curl up in a ball, fall into a deep sleep and never wake up. Patting me on the back and saying good job. Smacking me upside the head and saying "Knock it the hell off, get a grip ya nut" (not literal folks, yeesh, their hard on me but not abusive lol).
I've not had that before, in all the times I've tried to loose weight. Yea, I've had encouragement. But not to the extent I have now. Its quite odd feeling at times. Its a wonder some of them havn't said to hell with this, let the bitch die fat. Yea, I am a bitch at time. Hell I can be the Queen of Bitches. Sometimes I take pride in that (like when people treat me like shit and I decide I'm not rolling over like I used to). Other times I feel totally horrible! The guilt eats at me when I'm snappish for no reason.
Trying to loose weight is sooooo stressful! How ironic that getting fat is so enjoyable. Its not just stressful for the purrson trying to loose weight either. Its stressful on those that care enough about that purrson to stick by them and not give up. Even when those people get treated like crap, unintentinally, and want to let the fat purrson go.
I think that's why so many fat people fail. Their support system breaks down. Or doesn't quite get the jist. They tend to forget that the fat purrson is not only going through physical strain but also mental.
Ah, the good old mental strain. Worse enemy of anyone, fat or thin. But for the fat purrson it can be so much more of an enemy.
Especially when your a fat purrson with a mental disorder, such as me. Oddly enough though, now that I know what my disorder is (OCD- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, a type of anxiety disorder), I can deal with it better then I can with trying to succeed in the goals I must achieve to have the stomach surgery.
So often its hard to explain what is going on inside of my mind when I'm having a bad day. Meaning the OCD is flairing up and making my thinking process be totally different then when I am normal. Not that I am normal lmao. Hey I like being different. I enjoy being the KrazyKatt! But I don't enjoy being the CrazyCrystal.
Now there's someone you don't want to meet. CrazyCrystal. Me. When I'm having a flair up. When the world inside my head is spinning out of control. The voice in there that tears myself up. "Fat bitch. Ugly bitch. Worthless piece of shit. Would be better of dead. Let me die Goddess, I'm so tired of living, I beg of you".
Yea, I get those kind of thoughts when I'm having an off day. Thoughts like that go rampant in my mind. My heart starts racing. I cry like an idiot. Shake like a leaf in the wind. I go through hell. More often then not now though, I have learned to watch for the warning signs and can stop the nastyness before it gets too extreme. But not all the time.
Lately, theres been a whisper. A tiny voice, my voice, in the back of my mind whispering those nasty thoughts. Trying to drive me over the edge.
I'm going through this daily.
No one knows until now though. I've been hiding it from everyone. I even try to hide it from me.
Thats why I struggle so hard the last few weeks. Why I've gone from upbeat and I can do this type attitude to why bother? I'm just gonna fail. I never succeed.
And quite frankly, I'm not lieing to myself when I say those horrible things to me. I have not succeeded at hardly anything I've ever set my mind to.
I don't want to be this way anymore. I want to succeed.
Part of me feels like my heart is 2. 1 side is the loveable, goofball, drive everyone nuts with my pouncies and thwapping and just plain being a dingbat self. The 2nd side is the dark, withered, hateful, push everyone away self.
Its hard facing some of these thoughts as I write them. My mind is calm and logical right now. I can think and feel and face things.
So how does my current situation all tie in? The frustration of not being able to quit smoking has become so strong in me you'd think it would work towards helping me. I so want to turn this frustration into Bitch From Hell and turn it into the strong, vibrant part of me that hides. Turn it into the strength to quit. But I can't. I've failed yet again.
But at the same token I havent. I'm fighting the fact that I have to quit smoking when I actually do not want to. Not right now.
As I light up another one *rolls eyes at me. I am still trying though. (yea Sue when you read this, I'm cheating right now and smoking a partial inside lol.) Theres a house rule now that only Sue's hubby can smoke inside. I admit to cheating occasionally. I'll take a couple puffs and put the stupid thing out. Mostly thought I follow the rule even though I hate it because its FRIGGGIN COLD!! lol.
I'm not allowing myself to smoke a full cigarette again. Easy to do with as cold as its getting lol. I'm getting back down to a low amount again the last few days. So I guess I'm not failing. Because I'm continuing to try. I have to remind myself that as long as I continue to try, then I am NOT failing.
I'm even thinking about trying yet another dead stop when this pack is finished. So more then likely starting tomorrow I (hopefully!) will begin the hell of not lighting up. Will I make it? I doubt it. But I will continue to try. I will continue to tell myself that I will be better off without them and to look forward to what the ultimate reward is.
Getting the stomach surgery and getting this weight off so I can live again. So this pain thats rising will drop. So I can do something as insane as take a TRUE vacaction!
Something I need.
Something I deserve.
More to be written later.
