A long time ago way before i even thought about marrying my ex I had a good friend who is a very gifted clairvoyant tell me what my love life would be like and who i needed to be on the watch for. Now half the days i live now i barely remember what i did 5 minutes ago but i can remember everything she said like it was etched into my brain. so when i met my ex i was just plain smitten. i never got out alot because my job was weird hours and by the time i got outta work playin the field was the last thing on my mind. i had a couple guy friends who were just casual playtoys and i enjoyed my life there for a while, but you now the old saying about a woman's biological clock. i always told everyone i never wanted kids and i was very hell bent on making that point, but then i started thinking, hell maybe it was the spring and i was just twitterpated lol but i noticed more and more that i wanted someone special, one that didn't have to come over and then leave after an hour. So enter my soon to be ex-spouse. i think i was so in love with the being in love idea that i never really stopped to think about if he could really be the one. so we kinds pursued each other. we did the whole talking all nighters and watching movies snuzzled up to each other, finding any and all chances to be with each other whenever we could. he ends up losing his job and needed another one ASAP, so me being daddy's baby and daddy having his own company i asked my dad to give him a job, which he did, as he did for all my lame ass brother in laws who wouldn't know how to keep a job if their life depended on it. unfortunately it was one of my brother in laws that were training him, they trained him well, how to be a drunk and waste my dads money on them doing stupid shit that my dad didn't need done, ok im getting off subject here...anyway after being with this guy for several weeks i suddenly remembered what my friend had told me. My guy was none of those things, what she told me seemed straight from a fairy tale, which is what i always wanted. so then i started thinking, do i stay with him or wait out my prince charming? i chose him, hell maybe it was because i wanted to be a mom before i was 40, maybe he just treated me so good at first that i was blinded by my love that was growing for him. so i stuck with my dream guy, which is what i called him to most people. as the years went by and our 1st son came calling i was on cloud nine, just didnt know that my man was thinking how soon he could get outta the house and not have to change shitty diapers and leave all the work for me who had just gone through a rough c-section. things went down and more and more i doubted myself for picking this guy who was starting to just really be mean and piss me off so he could dash out the door, and then come home every night with booze in his hands. i still regret a lot of things i have done and said and man Karma is such a bitch and i think Ive been cursed on top of this shit, but should i have loved even for a brief amount of time or held out for someone who maybe never existed or i was just not looking hard enough. i never in a million years regret my boys and you can see that in my pics. but since he's left i am stuck wondering if i should have stayed like i did or left when the first wave of shit started happening, and maybe my dream guy is there and im just not noticing or maybe ive found him and just dont know if i wanna risk getting my heart broke again. im afraid to let myself fall to far, i wanna be the one in control, but when it's love can you control that emotion? i never have been able to so maybe that my downfall, i love to quickly, unconditionally, and blind to all flaws that come as you get to know someone well. do i follow my heart and go ahead and fall or do i follow my head which says "you're just asking for it...."
