So I appear to live a normal life to most people. Normal here meaning standard, regular, ordinary, typical. In other words, things seem fine. I am happy, I smile a lot, I am friendly to most, and I rarely cause a scene. To anyone on the outside, anyone who doesn't know me, I am fine. Nothing is wrong. I am a typical 19 year old living the life of a typical 19 year old. Friends, family, college, work, partying and studying. Well a little clue for everyone...I'm not okay.
My entire life is a facade of warmth and smiles and happy family relationships and friendships. Truth be told, I am screaming inside, and I am dying for someone to understand. But I have cut off anyone who attempts to get close enough. Everyone that I allow to get close to me seems to have a hidden agenda. Everyone I would love to open up to... I can't. And maybe I should be more trusting... or maybe I shouldn't. Being too trusting got me where I am today. Full of doubt and questions of anyone's sincerity when they say "Talk to me. I want to help you." And when I open up and share and put my trust and faith in this person, I am let down time and time again. I am hurt and stomped on and crushed and flattened to the point where I think it is easier to just lay there than to get up and risk it happening all over again. And forgive me for being cynical and skeptical, but looking before you leap is definitely something worth considering.
There are people that I would love to beat the shit out of. There are people that I would love to tell to shut up and mind their own business. On the contrary, there are people that I would love to share my thoughts and feelings with. There are people that I honestly think could help me with some things. But in the back of my mind there is always that little voice telling me "I don't think you want to do that!" And so I don't do anything.
Everything is just bottled up inside, and I know that it can't stay there forever. But what should I do?
