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Mom, Can You Hear Me?
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it's been 45 years, mom... a lifetime for me, but not for you... so please don't go! the earliest years weren't shared as mother and daughter... my soul was shattered by the son you didn't watch close enough... and you ran in shame from the place you held in my heart. i never understood what i'd done wrong, why you stopped loving me.... i never understood why grandma took over me, and grandpa held me closer to his heart than he did the others.... i never understood, no, never understood, why i always felt so ugly, so inhuman, so completely invisible to you after that day... and i was only 4! mom, he raped me, said, done, can't be undone.... it took 22 more years for you to tell me it wasn't my fault... that you believed me, that i wasn't unlovable.... that it was your guilt that kept you back, that kept our hearts not apart, but jaded to each other... and that it was from love that you gave me to grandma and grandpa! they were dead when you finally told me... too late to raise me then, too late to make it all better, too late to be my mom.... but it wasn't too late for us, mom... not for us to make something better, stronger, more secure than typical mom and daughter.... and it was slow, often painful, alot of stops and starts.... but we have it now, mom... a solid friendship. things are really bad for you now, mom... i don't know what to do to help you, to ease your pain, to lighten your burden, to stop the future from coming so fast... and i can't face what a tomorrow is going to bring... the end of our friendship, the end of your life... the death of MY MOM!! mom, can you hear me? i love you!! yesterday, i loved you! today, i love you! tomorrow and forever i will always love you.... please fight even harder... like MY life depends on it.... don't give in, don't give up, don't let go.... can you hear me, mom? i NEED you to stay! i NEED you to keep loving me! i NEED more time with you... time to change what was... time to build more memories of now... time to understand why God is taking you away from me when we've just found each other again not so long ago..... mom, can you hear me? i KNOW time is ticking... i KNOW how much your body is hurting... i KNOW how you long to go, but still really want to stay.... and i KNOW you love me now... that you loved me then.... that your love will live forever within me..... mom, can you hear me? i promise i'll be okay... i promise i won't hurt myself... i promise not to forget that God brought us back together in time... and i promise to move forward with my life to make you proud of me. mom, can you hear me? PLEASE don't leave me.... but if you can't stay, i pray God takes you fast now... i pray no more pain for you... i pray for paradise to be everything you deserve.... i pray for the angels to lead you in and for grandma and grandpa to meet you at the gates of forever.... but mom, if you can hear me.... know how much i want you to live..... if you can hear me, won't you come home once more? Robin Dawn 'ChinaSwan' Palmer ~~December 9, 2009~~ Obviously dedicated to my mother who has a rare, terminal disease that has entered the end stages, so every minute is precious By ChinaSwan
© 2009 ChinaSwan (All rights reserved)
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