Mistress Tonie's blog: "Poetry"

Time is to heal all the pain.  Even this year it is hard.  I smell her very scent and remember the day they took her away.  Her eyes were as blue as the summer sky.  Her skin as soft as silk.  It's hard to know that this emptiness inside was caused by someone who said they loved me and yet all they did is destroy the happiness I felt.  It sickens me to know that still today after 12 years I still can't let go.  She was everything to me and the loss tears me apart.  My love grows each passing moment for her.  Nothing I do makes it easier.  I know that she isn't mine any more physically but she is still apart of me and that I can not nor will not let go.  I think of her often.  I still see that smile and hear that laugh.  I remember everything about her.  There was no imperfections upon her.  She was and is still perfect to me.  She helped me keep my sanity.  Now each day I know that my sanity is gone.  Tears flood my eyes and most days I wish that I could die.  My life is still here and my soul holds on to what I don't know.  I just hope that when she finds out that I am here there will be no hate and that she will understand I wanted her and fought for her.  I did everything that I could but to no avail.  Mystic baby girl I love you and you are and always will be my little miracle.  You are the life people stole from me and I know that inside you are why I hold on to the breathe I still breath.     
 
 
 
 
 
art     I draw and I write on occassion. I can draw basically anything that I look at. I sit down to draw for the man I love and get my feelings hurt and not even by him. I work hard at what I do when I draw and to most the have me in there life my work is top quality. Today I did a drawing and even though it came from a picture that I was looking at I ended up making it completely my own and noone would be able to say that it is just something that I looked at. Granted when I draw my work has a personality of it's own and it comes to life. Over several hours the drawing grew and became something that for the first time I thought was amazing. I never thought much of my art work hell not even for me writing for that matter. But today this was different. I made something grow before my eyes and was amazed and wouldn't have minded finally posting it and showing it off. However after two pictures of it being taken from the beginning and as it grew someone that is suppose to care decided to say that all I did was fuck it up because before I made it grow it was perfect. I wasn't happy with it until it became mine. Hell it was amazing that someone is thinking bout getting the beginning of it put as a tattoo and someone just fucked it all up for me. I never want to draw again and that hurt the man I love. I never want to hurt him. I take critisim hard and to heart. I just don't want someone to lie to me and say something that isn't true. I don't do many things very good and I know this. It just seems that over the past couple of days all I do is fuck up everything that I touch or do. I am being put down for everything and now I just give up and don't want to write poetry or even draw ever again. It just doesn't seem worth it to me to be put down and stomped in the ground. I know that I have a talent that most don't have. So many that I meet here have the skills to code and do everything for a lounge or even make their own backgrounds and that isn't something that I will be able to ever do or even be good at. However drawing is something that happens on rare occassions and those that love and adore my art will now suffer and never see anything that I ever do again.  he says goodbye  
He searched for me but only after I had gone.  He begged me to come back into his life and just to love him.  Now he is engaged and his new whatever decideds to do the one thing that he hates control who is in his life.  How am I to respond to such hatred?  I know what he wanted in his life cause that is all that we ever talked about.  Just taking walks down memory lane were something I missed with him.  I asked him shortly after we connected again what he missed most about me.  His response is one that I will never forget.  He said and I quote "I miss your hugs and the way you always looked in my eyes when talking to me and that meant the most."  We dated for only a short time and then 8 years later I became his sister in law.  His last words he said to me when I last saw him on Dec. 15, 1998 was if you hurt my brother I will hurt you.  And now his new whatever wants me out of his life.  I don't know what to do.  Losing him is losing the best friend a girl could ever want.  Do I still hold a flame for him in my heart?  Yeah I guess I do.  I only want what is best for him and never will I stand in his way of happiness or what he would choose to do.  But how in the hell can he get with what he keeps trying to get away from.  I told him I would be with him but he never jumped on it.  I guess he still doesn't know what he wants or what will make him happy.  I have and always will be there for him but I guess when he chooses to come back I will just have to guard an already broken heart and make him work and earn the right to be back in my life.  I can't let him hurt and try to destroy everything good that I work so hard for.
 
 
he slips away
He slips away as in his life begins to weaken his very being.  I never signed up to watch someone die.  I signed up only to help and show someone how to live.  He hasn't lived a full and deserving life yet and I need and want him to have that.  There is still so much he has to do and show himself.  I know that he wants to fight the darkness that surrounds him inside and it is wearing on the very being that he is. He isn't helpless and he shouldn't feel as though he is and I know that he does.  I don't like to see him this way.  It is my job to show him life and that there is something worth fighting for.  If he dies then I have failed to bring the fight in him out.  Before he didn't care and now when he is starting to thirst for life all over again he is losing it.  It kills the very thing inside me that makes me who I am.  I can't watch him die just to know that everyone is right I will always fail and never win what I thrive to save.
 
 
letting go
In life we hold on to everything from the physical to the material.  We tend to never let go of the past so that the present can make sense and the future can unfold.  I have loved and lost many a times and when it hurts i pull it in so that I can keep the memories but I am realizing now that it is doing more damage than good to hold on.  To let go to me is like losing a part of myself just like the initial loss in the first place so it is going through the pain all over again.  Boogieman I release you from my life because I know now that you will only cause me pain if I continue to love you in ways that you don't deserve.  I have loved in without love in return.  We have both hurt one another but you are still seen as perfect.  You have blamed me for your unhappiness for the last time.  I can no longer accpet the blame I will now move on to a life that deserves my love and presence. If hurting me has made you happy and my happiness only has caused you misery then we don't need each other.  I have let you do everything to me and in the end nothing in my life has changed except for that you taught me to stand on my own and do for me.  I will do that now as I say goodbye to my friend and a lover of all lovers from my past.  My future waits for me and with you that future is put on hold and no longer will anything be put on hold for you.  I give and you don't meet me half way you just want to control what hasn't belonged to you in almost a year.  For to long I was willing to allow it to continue until I found a love that gives love back and that is something that I need and deserve in my life and I will be damned if you will take that from me and deny me what you can always have.  Goodbye and lose all that I have given you and if you are now miserable because I am happy then so be it because I will not let you destroy what little hope and happiness I have to find and hold on to because tomorrow may be my last day.
 
theres sunshine in a smile
Life is a mixture of sunshine and rain,
Laughter and pleasure, teardrops and pain,
All days can't be bright, but it's certainly true,
There was never a cloud th sun didn't shine through-
So just keep on smiling whatever betide you,
Secure in the knowledge He is always beside you,
And you'll find when you smile your day will be brighter
And all of your burdens will seem so much lighter-
For each time you smile you will find it is true
Somebody, somewhere will smile back at you,
And nothing on Earth can make life more worthwhile
Than the sunshine and warmth of a beautiful smile.