So I am sitting here wondering where my life is going and all I can think of is down the drain...
Here I am 25 years old almost 26 and for the past 7 months I have been alternating living in my car to living in a hotel room. It finally came down to the fact I was running out of money and my job had laid me off and I had no place to go besides take a drive with the last 35$ I had got back from the hotel deposit to see my family for a while.
Now my family has been really supportive of me coming up here for a while but they really don't know a lot of what is going on mentally with me. See I have a boyfriend down in Springfield whom I care a lot for but he just can't seem to get his life together for us. He says he wants to get a job, get independent, and get his license, I say he is full of shit though. I believe his parents are controlling him just to keep him around so they can steal his S.S.I. check. But that's my opinion.
I did meet a few wonderful people here on fubar in the past few weeks while I have been here. I am sure you guys know who you are if your reading this. But it seems that I really have grown fond of one of them as I normally do in circumstances when I am at a low point in my life. I want so badly to be in his arms and I think about him day and night. We care about each other so much but distance has made it impossible to see each other.
I have decided that if the chance ever arose to were I could go to him I would say goodbye to Ryan for the simple fact that at least this guy seems to want a future with me and is at least working..more then I can say for my current boyfriend.
Today me and my parents got into a huge argument about my life and why I am were I am in it. They basically called me a worthless piece of trash and told me that I will never be anything to them, and that I should just leave from up here in Carrollton and go back to the cardboard box I was living in before I came up here.
Now I am not one to ask anyone for $ straight out or even ask to borrow money unless I know I can pay it back in due time. My parents seem to think I am always begging for money or food when I am around them but thing is not ONE TIME never have I asked them to give me money since I have been here. My mother does custom embroidery work and uses this computer to digitize images she needs to do and a few times there was some images she couldn't figure out how to load right. Of course me being the worthless daughter I am offered to help out since I know so much about the computer and completed around 5 or 6 images for her within a weeks time, with one image taking over 5 and half hours to digitize. Now not once did I ask her to pay me for it like my younger sister does when she does the same thing for my mother but yet my mother gave me 20$ one afternoon for helping and then payed for me to play bingo a few nights. Now tell me how is that begging for money...I have yet to figure that out.
So doing some thinking I have decided that maybe I am worthless, maybe I am just some piece of trash who can't find the place in this world were I belong. But who knows maybe there is that someone out there that does cherish me or wants me to be in their life...until I find that someone I will continue to live in my poor excuse of a life.
